Well.. that fucking hurt.

WARNING: The following contains graphic descriptions of labour and child birth, if your a sensitive soul I'd skip over this blog and check out something a bit less.. icky. I'm serious, this is a BRUTALLY honest version of what went on.. god know's who is going to want to read it but I wanted to have a copy of it just for me for when I am old and senile.

I'm not going to kid myself here and say how I am sure that all of my extensive readers have missed me, I know if I am lucky there's maybe two of you out there who read what I have to say (who are not friends of family)

Because it's just us, I'm going to let it all hang out here and just have a nice casual chat about the first four months of being a parent to the most beautiful little girl ever to grace this earth. So got your cup of tea ready? choccy biscuit? go on you know you want one.. we will wait. Got it? Fab, let's go. I'm going to kick off with this blog about the Labour.. the start of it all.

The LABOUR

I will kick off with a quick explanation about why she was born a couple of weeks early. It was not a choice I made with ease and as much as I will never regret it, I do encourage other women to REALLY research their options before allowing medical involvement.  My body failed me in almost every way in the last month of pregnancy. I got Gestational Diabetes, Carpal Tunnel and Obstetric Cholestasis! we were given a day to get our shit together as the doc was worried and we were being induced! not what we wanted, but we were so lost in the world of medical involvement we just went with what we were told. Hey Ho.

So.. for those of you reading who have yet to feel the joy of child birth, let me tell you... IT FUCKING HURTS! My dear god, why did I get a ton of advice about "breathing techniques" and "kagel exercises" and not a single word about how pushing the child out actually feels like someone is ramming a red hot poker up inside your girl hole and swilling it about a bit!! DEAR GOD it hurts!  Like REALLY hurts, not just OH OW I slammed my finger in a door hurts.. but like REALLY hurts. Just thought I would add that before we go one with the story.

We took a few days to get down to the labour ward, they had to induce me and as it was near Christmas. Apparently a ton of women had elected to get their kids out early as well, but somehow no one informed the midwives that I was a medical inducement so I was not treated well in the before care department. WE had to really chuck a fuss before something was done and I was sent down, but we got there in the end!

The first half of the labour was pretty cool. They had already widened my uterus with the special balloon device in the before care, so down there it was just an injection then an IV with special liquid in it that helps the womb trigger to give birth. We were so hyped up and excited, but also scared and anxious. Hubby was a total nervous wreck, fussing about not knowing what to do with himself (bless)  but I just bounced away on the giant ball with wires up my twat and clamps on my belly, happily sucking on the gas pipe.

Other thing no one told me? how COOL the gas is! Hubby and I were in hysterics as I sucked away on the tube while the midwife was out of the room. It makes your voice go really deep for a moment so of course I  giggling and breathing out "I'm Batman" to which both of us cackled away, trying quickly to calm down when the midwife came back in the room. I sat there bouncing, happy as can be thinking "This is a piece of piss, the contractions aren't that bad...."

Ow....

It took about an hour before I realised what pain actually feels like.

It was the second half that I'm not so fond of, and am trying hard to really recall clearly. I remember climbing up onto the bed and lying on my side, I remember throwing up a lot, I remember being offered something harder but rejecting it and I remember falling asleep, after that I kind of vagued in an out of sleep for awhile. I remember this feeling of woozy unreality as Chris gripped my hand and encouraged me to keep going. I think I may have even fallen asleep for a decent amount of time at one point, though the whole labour went from 11am til she was born at 6.30pm so I can't have slept for long.  It all became a kind of haze of pushing and pain and breathing and people giving me instructions and hubby squeezing my hand and telling me what was going on.

This is where it started to get a little bit scary...

When it got down to crunch time, shit started to hit the fan.. it was here my hubby said was the worst/scariest moment of his life. He tried to get out of the way, as he was right in the line of sight for what was going on in the lady area but I would not let him move (apparently) ... now what I am about to tell you is what I was told, I was in a total stupor of breath in gas, breathe out the amazing fucking pain..

Baby's heart slowed right down and so did mine, according to what I was told we were both in real danger. The midwife asked to cut me (I remember this) and I said no, I was so against it but had no idea what was going on, see.. babies cord had wrapped around her neck! every time I pushed she was being strangled, they needed her out and fast! Midwife and hubby shared a kind of nod and they cut anyway. Which is what hubby and I had agreed on before going into birth, so please don't start kicking off about "LABOUR RAPE" or some other such nonsense.  We were well informed and well looked after all the way during the labour and too this day, I thank fuck that we had a great team helping her come into the world.

Right, so where were we... I was lying there in pain that I have never felt before, baby is almost on the verge of death and I've been cut and hubby is freaking out being able to see everything he did not want to see. Good, OK, so here is the one part of the whole thing I remember REALLY bloody well, and also the one part that will forever make me realise that women are so much stronger than men....It was the final push, that moment that I knew I had to give it one last go. I was EXHAUSTED beyond EXHAUSTED, seriously, never in my life had I been this worn out. I actually BEGGED my husband to make me not have to go through this, I had tears streaming down my face as he bent down gripping my hand and just told me I could do it.. I took a huge breath and pushed hard, like really hard, I don't think I made much noise, I recall a kind of low pitched primal grunting mother earth feel the power rush through me type scream thing, but I am sure my hubby will say it sounded like something a lot less ethereal and a lot more like a cow being skinned...AND then with an almighty SQUELCH that I liken the feeling as a big ass octopus being pulled out of my vagina....

SHE ARRIVED!

Love at first sight exists you know. I've seen it with my own eyes. A tiny pink, white and red being appeared on my chest and I was instantly in love. She was so ugly, but so beautiful all at the same time. Tiny eyes closed and little hands flailing in the air, she fell asleep on my chest almost immediately as I placed a hand on her back and bum and wept openly chanting at my hubby "look what we did..look what we did.." to which he also crying said "It's a baby..."

Meanwhile back down at my lady parts..

I was bleeding to death! There is simply no way I can tell you first hand what went on down there, apparently the doctor had his hand far up there and doing his best to stop the bleeding and pumping my uterus to get it to contract and allow the blood time to settle. I was being stitched, injected with things and given blood transfusions..saving my life and all that..hubby was watching freaking out, admiring his new baby but fretting for his wife.

I had entered bliss baby zone and there was no coming out of that one.

People did tell me that you go all gooey when you see your child, but no one explained the combination of doped up (gas only I hasten to add, I fucking rock in that department) exhaustion and total and utter immersion in sheer joy... she was utterly perfect. Slimy and white, coated in this weird viscous that I kept freaking out was not right. I believe I even asked the midwife if something was wrong with her to which I was politely told it was normal and perfectly OK. My hubby bent over to me and smiled stroking her head I looked up at him and just as I was about to say "Matilda" he said "Abigail" so I let it go and we decided on Abigail Matilda (well actually we initially decided on his mum's sisters name but did not like the bad omen it brought with it so changed it later) She was then weighed and checked over while they finished sewing me up and mopping up the blood, I do remember looking over at her being weighed and seeing this mound of blood soaked towels going past as they cleaned up around us. In amongst it all I remember getting an injection to sort out the placenta, I'm not even sure if it was easy to push out or not, I was so tired.

 7 pounds 2 ounces of awesome!

As they wrapped her up I was given clean clothes. I remember one of the nurses asking if I wanted to keep my night dress. I'd bought myself a cheap one for the birth and I am seriously glad I did, it was coated in blood and god know's what else! I told em to chuck it, but part of me wishes I had kept it, but it just seemed to fall in that category of women who enjoy keeping the placenta for some weird art project.

I am trying to write this from my own memory and what hubby told me straight after, I did not want to get his input before writing this out but I have a memory of being shown the placenta and thinking it was disgusting... but I could be wrong.

Afterwards we were wheeled away into a recovery area. I remember the nurse and hubby constantly poking me to keep me awake, I was exhausted and empty of blood. They got me sandwiches and tea and I remember trying to keep them down but I was so tired... she was here and I was done! that was all that I kept thinking... it was time for some rest.

You can tell I'm exhausted, look at the weird crap I dressed her in!

I'd done it. I had really truly done it, I'd made it through the hell! I'd spent the last 9 months freaking out that this was going to be beyond me and I would never manage it and we were going to have to cut her out, but I did it... I was FUCKING WONDER WOMAN BITCHES.